I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
