My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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