You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Randomize
