a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
