I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
