So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
