dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
