Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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