thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
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She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
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You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Shame is for Republicans.
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