I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
