Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
