It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
