My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
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