i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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