Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
