Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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