i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Randomize
