if only i could text you this smell
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
As shirtless as possible
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
