i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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