My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
