A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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