Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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