I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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