At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
