I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
