My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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