so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize