Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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