farters have to be the big spoon...
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
