I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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