I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
