i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
