I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
