apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
