i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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