I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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