Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
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I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
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I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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