Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
