Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
