Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
