I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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