You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
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i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
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I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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