I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
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I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
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They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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