Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
We left the knife in your bed.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
i think my cat just said my name.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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