Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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