Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
