I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Randomize
