im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Sorry about my life...
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
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