real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Randomize
