I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
