I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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