I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
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he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
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They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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